An Aggie and a t-sip are both hunting on the same day. The Aggie sees a deer and puts it in his sights, right before he fires the t-sip steps into his line of fire. The Aggie quickly pulls out his cellphone and dials 911:

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Hi, I was here hunting and I accidentally shot another hunter, I think he might be dead!"

"All right sir, please calm down, first I need you to check and make sure that he is actually dead."

A second later the operator hears a gun shot

"Ok, now what?"

Q: What's the difference between an idiot and a longhorn?

A: Austin city limit

Vince Young

An Aggie and a sip walk into the bathroom at the same time. They urinate. The Aggie starts to leave and the sip says, “Didn’t they teach you to wash your hands after you use the bathroom when you were down at A&M?"

The Aggie replies, "Naw, they just taught us to not pee on our hands."

Two sips were driving down I 35 one day and looked out over a very large, green pasture which has a huge boat right in the middle of it. A huge "aTm" flag flew from the boats mast and an Aggie was standing on the deck casting a fishing rod out into the pasture and then he would reel in the fishing line and then would re-cast the line back into the pasture. The sips watched the Ag for a while then one sip said: "look at that idiot Aggie, lets go tell him he is never going to catch anything in that pasture". The other sip got a blank stare on his face and said "how can we, we don't have a boat"

A group of TU undergraduates were all interested in becoming veterinarians. Since TU has no vet school, they decided to learn from the best. So, they traveled to College Station to take a tour of the Texas A&M College of Veterinary Medicine.

The students take the tour and are completely floored by it all. They are all convinced that this is the place they want to be if they are fortunated enough to be admitted. Finally, the tour ends by the group being led into an equine autopsy room where an emeritus professor is waiting for them with a large animal on a table covered by a sheet.

The Prof chuckles and says, "soooo, you all want to be vets?" Of course, the entire groups enthusiastically answers in the affirmative. "Well," the prof says, "there are two things you need to know about being a veterinarian that are also true for being a doctor: one, as doctors cannot find any part of the human body disgusting, a veterinarian cannot find any part of the animal body disgusting."

At this point, the doctor flings back the sheet covering a horse and inserts his finger into the anus of the deceased animal, removes his finger, and sucks on it. "Now, each of you do the exact same thing that I just did" the doctor says.

At first the group is stunned and wants no part of this. After a while the prof explains that he would not tell them to do anything that was dangerous. Eventually, each person in the group is convinced that nothing will harm them and one-by-one they walk up to horse, insert their finger, and then suck on it.

When the final person completes the task the prof stops and says "good, none of you seem to be disgusted by the animal body. The second way you need to be like a doctor is to be observant. I stuck my middle finger in the horse and sucked on my index finger. Life is tough, its even tougher when you are stupid. Try and pay attention."

A cattle rancher outside Austin was working his cattle one day when he heard faint music coming from nearby. After hunting about for a time, he discovered the sound was loudest near one particular calf, and was even louder near the calf's tail. Putting his head close to the calf's hind end, he heard the University of Texas fight song.

Amazed, he put the calf in the truck and drove the animal to a vet in Austin. When the vet asked him what was going on, the rancher told him. The vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen. He agreed he heard the University of Texas fight song but didn't seem particularly excited.

"Man, how can you stand there and not be amazed?" the rancher asked. The vet, a third generation Texas A&M graduate, said, "Bud, I'm an Aggie, and I've been listening to a**holes sing that song my whole life."


[This message has been edited by Flying Amoeba (edited 9/1/2009 2:21p).]

To sips went deer hunting and shot a deer. Caught up in the thrill of their kill, and without thinking, they proceeded to drag the deer to their truck by it’s tail. The first sip, who had taken a few courses at A&M before he had failed out, thought a moment and said to the second sip, "you know, it seems to me that we’re dragging this animal against the natural grain of its fur. I believe it would be easier if we drug the deer by the antlers”. The second sip quickly sees the logic in his buddy’s way of thinking and agrees without question.

However, after 15 minutes of dragging the deer by the antlers the second sip starts to doubt his friend’s wisdom and says, “You know you were right, it is much easier dragging the deer by the antlers, but aren’t we getting further and further from the truck?”

When a homo is caught "in the act" at A&M, they cut off his ring finger and give him a second chance. If he is caught a second time, they cut off the middle finger and send him to Austin.
Do you know what all the homos in Austin do on Saturday? They go to Memorial Stadium and wave at each other.

"buying tu for kid = buying mickey mouse outfit for kid" joke

quote:

---

Do you know what all the homos in Austin do on Saturday? They go to Memorial Stadium and wave at each other.

---

This works better for OSU. They really do wave at each other.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AWWZ61eRkE

Three fourth year vet. students were selected to go out to farmer Smith's ranch and breed his registered Simmental cow. Five hours later the students returned. They were all limping and covered in mud and blood. With a look of horror, the clinician asked what happened! The students explained that they got the job done but they had a hell of a time getting her on her back!

*Staff doesn't want me to post this one*

[This message has been edited by hodges97 (edited 9/1/2009 3:54p).]

Whats the difference between memorial stadium and a porcupine. The popcupine has 50,000 pri cks on the outside.

[This message has been edited by got1forya (edited 9/1/2009 3:58p).]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, a Sooner, Longhorn and an Aggie.

For the final test, the CIA agents took the Sooner to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find a Longhorn fan sitting in a chair, Kill Him!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot someone just because of the school they attended."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The Longhorn was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill one of my own."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Get out of here!"

Finally, it was the Aggie’s turn.

He was given the same instructions, to kill the Longhorn fan.

He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the Aggie with blood spackled on his shirt.

He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, "The damn gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Q: Did you know they recently broke up a major crime ring in Austin?

A: UT went to the no-huddle.

[This message has been edited by Aggie Delta Sig 99 (edited 9/1/2009 4:07p).]

An Aggie, a priest, and a tsip were flying together in an airplane. The plane suddenly had engine trouble and the pilot ran out of the cockpit, screamed "The plane is going down", grabbed one of the three parachutes and jumped out of the plane. The tsip said, "Well I'm the smartest longhorn in the world, I can't die." So he grabbed one of the chutes and jumped out of the plane. The priest grabbed the last chute and said, "I've had a long, happy life. You take the remaining chute." The Aggie snickered and said,"Don't worry priest, the world's smartest longhorn just jumped out with my backpack."

Two longhorn fans always had trouble finding
their car after the game, so the next home
game one of the horns picks his buddy up
ridiing a camel, his friend say why are we
riding a camel his friend replies it will be
easy to find. So after the game they go to the
parking lot an lo and behold there are 12
camels tied next to theirs. one horn fan says
what are we going to do now? his buddy says
very simple so he starts raising each camels tail after checking each camel his buddy asks
why he raised each camel's tail. His buddy
replies didn't you hear the guy parked next
to us he said look at those two *******s
on that camel.

It was career day at North Point Elementary School. Since none of her third graders had ever had a job, Mrs. Martin asked her students to stand up and tell the class what their fathers did for a living and whether they went to college.
Mary went first. "My father is a doctor. He went to school at Baylor and had to study for many years to get his medical license".
"Very good. Next", said Mrs. Martin.
Jim stood up. "My dad is a veterinarian. He went to school at Texas A&M and he had to study for many years to get his license.
"Good. Next.", said Mrs. Martin.
"I'd rather not say", said Tom.
"You have to, or else you get a zero for the day for non participation", said Mrs. Martin.
Tom stared at his shoes and spoke "OK, well my dad didn't go to college! He dances in nightclubs surrounded by other men for drinks and tips and they sometimes pay him for sex".
All the other kids start laughing at him, and Tom runs out into the hallway. Mrs. Martin follows him out there and asks him if all that was true.
"No", said Tom "but I didn't want all the other kids to know my dad is a t-sip."

How do you separate the men from the boys at t.u.?


With a crowbar

Did you hear about the tradegy at a tu frat party, a sip doper drowned snorting Coke!

A t-sip walks into the Dixie Chicken.

The bartender says, "What the Fluck are you doing in here."

/Gran Torino

There was an Aggie, t-sip, and a sooner driving in the desert, and all of a sudden their truck broke down. The Aggie said, "All right guys, get what you need from the truck, it looks like we are going to have to walk." The Aggie starting packing some water and the sooner started with the food, but they look over and see the t-sip trying to take the door off the truck. They ask, "Why are you taking the door off?" The t-sip replied, "Well, in case we get hot I can roll down the window."

A married couple is getting a divorce, and they are at a custody hearing for their child. As the hearing goes on, the judge is having a hard time figuring which parent should get custody. He finally decides that he will let the child decide.

He asks the young man if he would like to live with his mother. The boy, with a look of fear on his face pleads with the judge not to force him to live with his mother as she beats him frequently.

The judge thinks to himself that the father it is then but asks the boy anyway. This time the boy bust out in tears screaming to the judge not to make him live with his father as he beats him worse than his mother.

The judge is extremely disappointed in the parents and the situation and doesn't know what to do. So he finally asks the boy, "Well if you don't want to live with either of your parents as they both beat you, then where do you want to live?"

The boy looks, with a new hope in his eyes, at the judge and says, "I want to live at tu because they don't beat anyone!"

[This message has been edited by Ag_B_10 (edited 9/1/2009 5:50p).]

An avid user of the Texas A&M message board Texags.com was excited to see that there was a new contest being run to see who could come up with the best t-sip joke for the Fall 2009 football season.

Wanting to be original, he decided he would do some research by observing the t-sip in its natural environment.

While in Austin, the Ag was approached by a large t-sip football player who was curious why he was taking notes at his practice.

After explaining the contest, the 'sip informed the Ag that he was wasting his time, and he had proof.

He then proceeded to take the perplexed Ag into the t.u. athletic center and pointed to the "Wall of Champions".

There he saw printed:

Big XII Champions 2008*

Texags t-sip Joke Contest Champion 2009*

Blue star for Norman

Q: What happens when a longhorn takes Viagra?

A: He gets taller.

Bob Kelso gets my vote

lmfao!

quote:

---

In honor of Dr. Lawrence "Pete" Petersen, who used to tell this joke to his CPSC classes

---

here. cpsc 111, fall 200.

What does a t-sip call an Aggie after graduation? Boss.

I like these so far... lets keep them coming...we have had decades to make fun of t.u., I am sure we have a lot more that can be posted.

A t-sip lawyer went duck hunting in rural West Texas. He shot and killed a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly old Aggie drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The longhorn responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old Ag replied, "This is my property, and if you do, you will be trespassing."

Getting upset, the sip lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country, graduated with honors at the University in Texas, made over 1 million dollars last year and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own, and I'll enjoy doing it in the process!"

The old Ag just smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes here in this county of Texas. Being the expert trial lawyer that you say you are, you should have been aware that we settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

Growing more agitated, the longhorn asked, "What the hell is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Ag replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The arrogant sip quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old Ag and he agreed to abide by the local rule.

The old Ag slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the t-sip. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the longhorn's groin area and dropped him to his knees. After a few minutes of agony, the sip slowly got back up just in time for the second kick to the stomach, which sent the lawyer back on the ground again.

The longhorn was on all fours when the Aggies third kick to his rear end sent the sip face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay.....now it's my turn."

The old Ag just smiled and said, "Naw, I give up.You can have the stupid duck. Gig 'Em!"

Two tsips were walking down 6th street in Austin and saw a dog hunched over licking his balls. One tsip said to the other "Boy, I wish I could do that!" The other tsip replied shaking his head "Oh no, that dog would bite you!"

I'm surprised a pic of McCoy's mustache hasn't made an appearance.

A group of 1st grade boys are out on the playground during recess and they decide to have a peter measuring contest. Well lo and behold, Vince Young is in the class and he wins by a landslide.

After school, he runs home and tells his mom what happened during school that day and in the process reveals the results of the contest during recess. Vince is curious though, so he asks his mom, "Mom, is my peter longer than the other boys because I'm black?"

And his mom answers, "Oh, no, no Vince. It's because you're 15 years old!"