A teasip comes back from his appointment at the doctor's office, and his wife asks him how everything went. He says "Well, the exam and all the tests came back fine, but the doctor insisted that I stop masturbating immediately." The wife gives him a puzzled look, and asks "Why would he demand that?" And the sip says "Well, he was still examining me at the time."

Q: How do you get a University of Texas grad off of your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

Why did the longhorn go to whataburger?



To see the chicken strip!

An Aggie graduates with his bachelor's degree from Texas A&M and wants to be a lawyer so he enrolls at the tu law school. On his first day at the 40 acres, he stops a preppie looking dude and says, "Hey buddy I am new here as I just graduated from Texas A&M and I just enrolled into your law school and I need to find the library. Can you tell me where the library is at." Well the sip stopped and looked at him and said, "You Aggies are just so ignorant and obviously have an inferior education and are too dumb to understand that you don't end a sentence with a preposition!" The Aggie was a little taken aback and reflected for a moment and was visibly a little disgusted at the arrogant, unfriendly and un-Aggie like response from the sip and replied, "Well sip let me rephrase the question for you. Hey buddy can you tell me where the library is at, a-hole?"

At a major fund raising event, there were three strangers sitting at a table. They were each asked to stand and introduce themselves to the group.

The first one, a very well dressed 30-something aged man stood up and said... "hi, my name is Bob. I am a proud graduate of tu, I am a lawyer and make $250K per. I am married to a wonderful lady and have two lovely daughters. When they graduate from high school, I plan to send them to tu so they can be with their own kind".

The second one, a well dressed middle aged man stood up and said... "hi, my name is Mike. I am a proud graduate of tu, I am a doctor and make $500K per. I am married to a wonderful lady and have two lovely children. When they graduate from high school, I plan to send them to tu so they can be with their own kind".

The third gentleman- dressed in stylish western wear stood up and said..."Howdy, my name is Billy Bob. I am a proud graduate of Texas A&M University. I am in the awl bidness and made $5M dollars last year. I ain't married- but I reckon I have a kid or two out there. When they graduate from high school, I plan on sending them to tu so they can be with their own kind!"

Why didn't the longhorn frat guy want to graduate?

He didn't want to leave his brother's behind.

There was a Longhorn that was down on his luck. In order to raise some money, he decided to kidnap a rich kid and hold him for ransom.

He went to the playground, grabbed a rich kid, took him behind a tree and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

The Longhorn wrote a note saying "I've kidnapped your rich kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the city playground. Signed, "A Poor Longhorn."

The miserable Longhorn, then, pinned the note to the rich kid's shirt, and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the tired and hungry Longhorn checked in the hole beneath the pecan tree, and sure enough a paper bag was there. The beaming Longhorn opened up the bag and found the $10,000, along with a note.

The note said, "How could you possibly do this to a fellow Longhorn?!"

An Aggie buys a house and moves to Austin. He follows the moving van into the subdivision with his family in his SUV proudly displaying his 12th man sticker on his rear window. Meanwhile, two sips are across the street watching them pull up and started talking across the fence to each other.

The first sip said, "I wonder what the heck an Aggie is doing moving to Austin, in our neighborhood no less." The second sip said, "I don't know man, but this bad, real bad! Hey, you ought to go talk to him and find out what the heck this is all about." So the first sip walks across the street and introduces himself and asks the Aggie what made him move to Austin. The Aggie begins to explain that he just retired from the Army as a Colonel and was hired by the local university to be a Professor of Deductive Reasoning. Well, the sip got a real puzzled look on his face and said, "Professor of Deductive Reasoning, what's that?" Well the Aggie being the generous and kind person that he is said, "Here let me explain it to you. I see that you have a dog house in your backyard." And the sip said, "yeah that's right, so?" Well the Aggie explained that by deductive reasoning he can deduce that the sip has a dog or at least had a dog. Well the sip was impressed and said, "Hey that's pretty good, what else can you tell me?" Well the Aggie replied that he also saw a children's play set in his backyard that he can deduce by deductive reasoning that the sip has kids. Well now the sip was really impressed and said, "Wow man that is impressive, what else, what else?" Well the Aggie went on to explain, "Well now that I know that you have children I can deduce by deductive reasoning that you have a wife or have had a wife." The sip said, Man that's really something, what else can you tell me." The Aggie kindly replied, "Well now that I know that you have a wife or have had a wife, I can deduce by deductive reasoning that you are a heterosexual." Well the sip just couldn't believe all of this but he was excited nonetheless by his new neighbor and couldn't wait to tell his buddy all of this and said his goodbyes to the Aggie.

The first sip quickly walked back across the street where his buddy sip had been watching the whole exchange but of course couldn't make out what was said. So knowing that his neighbor was curious the first sip says, "Man you ain't going to believe this but that Aggie is a retired Colonel and just got a job as Professor of Deductive Reasoning at the local university." Well he saw the puzzled look on the second sips face and said boastfully, "Here man let me explain it to you. "Hey man, you gotta doghouse?" The second sip says, "No."

To which the first sip quickly replied, "Fa***t!"

[This message has been edited by Kline7 (edited 9/6/2009 9:16p).]

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Longwhorn joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Texas grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's an U.T. grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's also a Longhorn. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

A young man walks into a toothbrush factory, and tells the owner..."Id like ta hath a job telling tootbrushes". The t-sip owner looks at him and replies..."I don't know if you are aware of it or not, but you have a serious speech impediment, and I don't see how you would be an effective salesman for this company".
The man says "Pleath Just gib me a thance and Ill tho you whut I can do." The sip, thinking that he will get rid of him, tells him..."go to a school, graduate, and I'll give you a job"

A few years later, the same man walks into the toothbrush factory, this time proudly carrying his Aggie diploma, and declaring..."I'm theer about tha job." The owner, being a typical sip, feels sorry for the poor Ag, gives him the job, and tells the new salesman that their best salesmen sells between 5 to 7 thousand toothbrushes a week.

The Ag shows up the next week and sits dejectedly in the owners office, as the owner asks..."how many toothbrushes did you sell"?. The Ag replies..."I told teven tootbrushes". The owner tells him if all he can sell is seven toothbrushes, then he will have to let him go. The Aggie pleads... "Pleath Just gib me a thance and Ill tho you whut I can do." The sip owner once again takes pity on the poor ol' ag and tells him that he will give him one more week.

The Aggie shows up the next week and sits in the sips office, as the sip asks..."how many toothbrushes did you sell"?. The Aggie proudly replies..."I told thirtween thousand tootbrushes". The sip's mouth drops, and he declares.."that's a new company record!!!, How did you sell that many toothbrushes?

The Ag tells him.."come outt to tha air pirt and I'll tho ya ma thetup". The sip arrives at the airport and sees that the salesman has a big welcome sign, a big stack of toothbrushes, a big bowl of potato chips, and a big bowl of dip. The sip says..."I still dont see how you sold that many toothbrushes".
The Aggie tells him "twy a potato thip". The sip boss takes a potato chip, dips it, and takes a big bite. He immediately spits it out saying..."this tastes like s**t!"
The Aggie smiles and says "it tis s**t, wanna buy a tootbrush?"



"That's a peach Hon....Oh golly I'm hot today."

General Petraeus and Mack Brown were walking together through Austin when they found a lamp on the ground. They both picked it up, rubbed it, and out came a genie.

The genie said to the two men, "I will grant you only one wish."

The General and the coach decide that since there is only one wish, the General should be the one to make the request.

The General replied, "I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war, and let all our men and women get home safely."

The genie responded, "I'm not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish."

"Well," Mack Brown responded, "then can you help all my players graduate and stay out of problems with the law?"

The genie thinks for a moment, then says, "Here, let me see that map again."

Keep 'em coming!

Come on now, is that all you guys have got???

Q: What's the hardest thing about being a Texas Longhorn fan?

A: Telling your parents that you're gay.

How do you get a T-sip off your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza and tell him to scram.

Damn!!!! Someone beat me to it.

[This message has been edited by OldArmy_01 (edited 9/8/2009 11:10a).]

We are one week in and we have a good crop to choose from. Remember we only have 5 more days to add jokes before we cut them down to the best few for you guys to vote on.

Keep them coming.

The answer to the age old question of "how many sips does it take to screw in a lightbulb" is thus:

100. 1 to screw in the lightbulb and 99 others to protest that someone from their race, gender or sexual orientation didn't get to screw the lightbulb in.

T-Sip walks into a lumber store and asks to buy some 2x4s. The worker says, "How long you need them?" And the T-Sip says, "We're going to need them for a while, we're building a shed!"

A T-Sip was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under his arm. As he passed the bus stop, someone asked, "Where did you get that?"

The pig replied, "I won him in a raffle!"

An Aggie had pity on a t-sip buddy and decided to take him camping.

Late that night, the t-sip buddy walked up to the Aggie's tent and said, "Hey man, I gotta go #2 and we forgot the toilet paper!"

The Aggie groggily responded, "Hell man, can't you just use a leaf or a dollar or something?"

20 minutes later the t-sip barged into the Aggie's tent and asked, "What do I do now, I have 4 quarters stuck up my a-s!"

[This message has been edited by bthotugigem05 (edited 9/9/2009 12:06p).]

So this T-Sip walks into a bar on 6th St. carrying a huge pile of horse**** in his hands.

And he says "Hey everybody!....Look what I almost stepped in!......."

True story. I was at a golf tournament in the spring of 2006. I was out at the truck changing shoes and noticed a crowd about 3 cars over.
There was a former t.u. player there holding court for a group of admirers. They were talking t.u. football, of course. As I was passing the crowd, one of them says,"Hey Ed! Didn't your son commit to Texas A&M to play ball?" I told him, "He sure did. He'll be headed up there inthe summer." The Sip player says to me and the crowd, "He must have wanted to be an engineer, or something." I said, "Yeah, he wants a good education." The sip gets a big grin on his face ans says. "That's what I thought. If he wanted to be a football player, he'd have gone to Texas."

I told him that Luke had always wanted to go to t.u., but he was unable to get in because of his SAT score. The sip nodded knowingly and said that those scores had kept a lot of ball players out of his school. I said, "If only he had scored about 500 points lower, he'd have been allowed to play for the whorns!!"

Sad news!

The tu library burned.

They lost both books.


And one hadn't even been colored yet!

[This message has been edited by tx1c (edited 9/9/2009 1:20p).]

ever heard the expression:

quote:

---

Queer as a football bat

---

???


Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:

Obnoxious TeaSip Joke (to be used for those times when you really want to shut them up – BTW – It works every time and has never failed)

At a business meeting, it came time for attendees to introduce themselves. It started out with one gentleman getting up and saying: (in a real bragging manner) “I am a doctor living in Houston, I graduated from the University of Texas in 1990 and I make about $300.000 a year, I am happily married, have 2 children and when they grow up I am going to send them to ’The University’ to be with their own kind.”

The next guy gets up and says: (in a real bragging manner) “I graduated from the University of Texas in 1995 and I run my father’s real estate company and I make about $450,000 per year, I am happily married, have 3 children and yes, when they grow up I am going to send them to ‘The University’ to be with their own kind.”

This went on for a while with a whole bunch of former Texas exes introducing themselves. Finally, one guy gets up and says: (said slowly and with a real good Texas drawl) “I graduated from Texas A&M University back in 1992 and I have my own oil & gas company which I started myself from scratch and I make, oh, I don’t know exactly, but somewhere between $5 or $10 million dollars per year, I ain’t never been married, and I have about 20 kids and (real bragging like) yep, when my kids all grow up, I’m going to send them all to ‘The University of Texas’, to be with their own kind.”


[This message has been edited by FrecklesDad (edited 9/10/2009 11:41a).]

See ya. Staff


[This message has been edited by TexAgs staff (edited 9/15/2009 11:22a).]

I guess hornfans found this thread.

By the way, hornfans might ban people for having A&M-related screennames, but you're fine here with Texas-related names. Unless you bring the lamest rivalries-style smack ever to the football board, in which case you'll be banned for trolling.

[This message has been edited by aero ag 2010 (edited 9/10/2009 3:44p).]

What do an aggie and a longhorn have in common?

They both applied to Texas.

A t-sip family goes shopping at the mall for Christmas. As is their tradition everyone goes to look for that special something that they want from the rest of the family.

The Daughter a student at t.u. and her little brother still attending high school are in a sporting goods store and the brother says to her: Hey sis you think Mom and Dad would mind getting me one of these and holds up an Aggie Jersey!

t-sip sis: You're such an idiot you're not serious right??? I mean what are you talking
about? Sometimes I'm ashamed to even be related to you!!!!!

t-sip Mom strolls up: Whats all this about?

t-sip Sis: Your mentally challeged Son here wants an AGGIE jersey for Christmas.

t-sip Mom : That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard what has come over you?

Son: I've just always liked A&M I feel I have more in commom with them thats all Mom.

t-sip Mom: I can't tell you how disappointed I am in you young man we are leaving this minute you just wait until your Father hears about this.

They leave the mall the Father joins them and they quitely get in the Suburban the Father then unleases on his son.

t-sip Dad- Your mother and sister tell me you wanted an Aggie t shirt or something like that what in the world would ever make anyone want to affiliate themselves with the Aggies for God's sake how could you even think of such a thing? You're a total embarassment to this family!!!!!!!!

Son: I just like the Aggies is all I guess I always have.

Mom and sis start yelling at him and the t-sip Dad demands: What on earth would make you think or feel like you have anything in commom with an Aggie you idiot just tell me one thing you have in common with an Aggie?

Son: Well right now I sure would like to
BEAT THE HELL OUTTA OF SOME t-sips!!!!!!!!!

Three Longhorns go to see a witch doctor about their problems.

One has a smoking problem, one is an alcoholic and one is unsure about his sexuality, but wants to change.

The doctor puts a curse on them that if any of them indulge their habits again they will die.

Two days later the alcoholic Longhorn dies because he gave in and had to drink.

The next day the confused Longhorn and the Longhorn smoker are walking down 6th street together. The smoker Longhorn sees a cigarette lying and the ground and stops to stare at it.

The guy looked at him and said "if you bend over and pick that up we are both ****ed"

A little over 24 hours left to get your jokes in to win the free stay at the Callaway Villas!

Just 4 more hours left to post your best t-sip joke!

An Aggie, a sip and a tard were hiking in the hill country. the whole time they were arguing about who was the most loyal fan to their respective school. after a couple hours of hiking they came to a cliff over looking a magnificant canyon. the tard said "To show the two of you how loyal of a fan I am i am going to jump off the cliff and die for my school." so he jump shouting "Guns Up!" The sip & Aggie stood at the edge looking at the tard as he fell. Then the Aggie yelled "GIG 'EM!" and push the sip over the edge.

^
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FUNNIEST JOKE EVER...WINNAR

What do Aggie and Longhorn sports fans have in common?

None of them attended Texas.